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Patriotism vs Pyrotechnics
Friday 07-18-2008 10:23am ET
I hate fireworks!...Go ahead call me un-American, I know you're thinking it. I've always hated fireworks..in fact one of my earliest memories is my parents taking me to a fireworks display on a beach in Connecticut. I was very young, it was a beautiful night, a perfect location and a well deserved night out (albeit with a child) for my parents.... I hated it, so I sobbed, and sobbed and sobbed some more until my parents had to leave, I think the angry stares from those who actually enjoy fireworks probably forced them out...afterall, they were used to my crying.
That early memory is still one of abject horror and fear. Fireworks were explosions, giant colorful bombs and they scared the crap out of me and still do.
What is it about fireworks and patriotism...why do they go together? Who decided that explosions in the sky should demonstrate our civic pride. The summer is filled with fireworks, you can hardly avoid them. It's not enough that you have to blow up stuff for Independence Day, but this country's love of explosions has now filtered into every parade, baseball game, grand opening, even wedding receptions have freaking fireworks. That's right, fireworks are not only patriotic, they are romantic too...
You've heard people say when I kissed him/her there were fireworks, I always thought that was a bad thing. If I saw fireworks when I kissed Joe I'd figure it was a sign that the relationship was about to end.. like armageddon or maybe he'd eaten some Mexican food-fireworks if you know what I mean. Why would a thunderous smoky bomb mean you're in mad passionate love....No, you say, it means he rocks my world....but I don't want my world rocked, in fact I purposely check out fault lines when I decide where to live. I've got enough trouble without having my world rocked.
And how about the smoke fireworks create let alone the fireballs launched into our supposedly fragile atmosphere. Why don't all these wackos that are hounding me to conserve and protect the environment mind the fireworks pollution. Couldn't one of those red white and blue rockets hit some endangered speckled sparrow or some as of yet undiscovered planet. I bet they regularly hit Pluto... oh right, we don't care about Pluto anymore it was voted out of the solar system. I'm still bitter about that. Anyway aren't fireworks doing more harm to the ozone layer than my hairspray, seriously people.
And what about the noise...you can't stand people talking on their cell phones in a restaurant, but you don't mind bombs at every summer event? Your neighbor's barking dog or screaming toddlers are driving you out of your mind, but you'd drive an hour and wait even longer for 15 minutes of synchronized explosions.
And don't even get me started on the danger or the fact that they are illegal in New York except for those daredevils who charge like 30-thousand dollars to start just to set them off...
But I'm the un-American one right? Fireworks are loud, smoky, dangerous, illegal, expensive, redundant bombs that symbolize everything great about America......you'll find me under the bed with the cats!
"Just A Little Thing In My Head"
Thursday 07-10-2008 11:14am ET
I've spent a lifetime in therapy......why you ask?...because my family is nuts...Do you watch "Curb Your Enthusiasm"?..it's Larry David's show on HBO..I've got the fancy cable and I love the show. Larry's parent's are in fact based on mine..I'm sure of it.
My favorite episode is when Larry's mother dies....OK Ok I know that sounds bad, but it was hilarious. Larry's father didn't tell Larry she died because Larry was very busy with a show and they "didn't want to upset him"...that's my parents exactly....let me explain.
Weeks ago my sister called me from Arizona to tell me she had a horrible dream that my mother died....well she didn't exactly say it that way...she said "I had a horrible dream that mommy, well, you know". This is because my sister can't actually say words like death or die or dead, which is really very sweet but it's hard to believe we are sisters, I mean an average day in my life includes me saying this job is killing me or do you think I might be dying from the pandemic or I'm going to kill that idiot....anyway I actually like talking about death...weird I know...
My sister Stacey went on to say mommy is having surgery on her brain....WHAT? and no one mentioned it. All the times I've talked with my parents ..it just never came up, I guess...I mean afterall brain surgery is just like a teeth cleaning right?
Anyway, I decided to wait and see if maybe my parents might mention it...I waited three weeks...they didn't and then out of the blue my mother called me to tell me her cat had asthma.....WHAT...how do cats get asthma? will she have to carry an inhaler?, I asked. My mom was very upset, she said this is serious, she had to have a steroid shot, but assured me she asked the vet whether Grace, the cat, could now play baseball, the vet assured her that Grace couldn't. I guess my mom thinks the Detroit Tigers are actually cats...I assured my Mom that Grace would have to do more than nap before considering a career with a team.
Finally I couldn't stand it anymore and I said, casually of course, what's this I hear about you having brain surgery...oh that she said...I just have a little thing in my head.....really I said, like a brain tumor...oh that's what the doctors call it she said, but I don't like to think of it that way, it's just a little thing..
Now I'm upset,.... Mom, a brain tumor is a serious thing..Ted Kennedy has gotten massive press about the little thing in his head, don't you think maybe you should have mentioned it to me.....well it just didn't come up she said......arrghhhh!
My mom has a brain tumor that she figured wasn't serious enough to mention, like maybe if she doesn't mention it, it will just go away..then I realized that's exactly what I do.....I never talk about things that are really bothering me because I figure they'll just go away if I don't say them out loud...like my car overheated yesterday..it overheated last week too, ...and my brakes are vibrating....and I have lots of decisions to make that I hope will just go away before I have to make the decision.
Hmmm, I know people who dwell on every ache and pain and every problem no matter how seemingly small and their pains get more painful and their problems get bigger and my Mom on the other hand is only really worried about the cat, with asthma.....is she allergic to cats I asked, thinking it was funny...then Mom said I asked the vet, if cats can be allergic to cats and they can sort of....wow..then I realized we weren't talking about the brain tumor anymore, we were laughing about my suggestion that the cat get acupuncture..and with that, the little thing in her head seemed to go away, at least for the moment.
Grandkids Are Great...Except When They Aren't
Wednesday 07-02-2008 10:40am ET
I'm a grandparent equivalent, thanks to my spousal equivalent Joe who has two and a half grandchildren. There is Leah who is 4 and 3/4 and Cameron who is 2 and 1/2 (have you ever noticed that the half and three quarters are really important until you are 21 and then you'd never admit to the impending months) and there is a grandchild due in August. The children belong to Joe's daughter Jasmine, who is Joe's only child.
I've never had children of my own, and frankly used to have a rule that I didn't date men with children, let alone grandchildren, but Joe and I have been together since before Leah was born and I've settled quite happily into the role of grandmother equivalent.
We spend alot of time with Leah, taking her to theatre, dance and music events. We love visiting anyplace that has animals, a playground or McDonald's.....What is it with McDonald's, Leah thinks it's Nirvana.
On Saturday we excitedly picked Leah up to take her to a very special private visit with Jim Fowler and his wild animals. We'd had Jim Fowler in the studio on Friday, I loved him when I was child..the Mutual of Omaha Wild Kingdom guy who made such an impression long before all the animal shows kids have now.
Jim and his handlers were wonderful, letting Leah touch the monkeys and alligator, a fox and a burmese python, her favorite. The child has no fear and we love that.
The thing is McDonald's is apparently way cooler than touching a baboon or madagascar hissing cockroach...they should really market that fact.... so off we drove to McDonald's, with Leah excitedly singing the ABC song...the whole way....Joe asked her a few times if she knew anything else, because 40 or 50 rounds of ABC's made me long for 99 bottles of beer on the wall, but I figure I'm not the best role model as it is and I know she would say Kim taught her that cool song...kids always give you away...so I said how about Twinkle Twinkle Little Star....Damn, did you parents already know that Twinkle Twinkle is exactly the same melody as ABC's. What rocket scientist wrote those songs and which came first? Shouldn't there be a lawsuit? anyway...we got to McDonald's....
The only thing better than McDonald's is one with the habitrail for kids, you know the play area thing that looks like a giant plaything for giant hamsters. Leah could barely breathe she was so excited, she endured the pain of ordering before she could go in to play....fried nuggets, fried fries, and coke.....yep that's the cool thing about me as a grandparent, I don't even try to impose some healthy eating habits on this child, afterall look what fries and coke have done for me.
Leah ate one bite exactly of each Happy meal item and off she went to Habitrail heaven. The other good thing about being a grandparent, besides setting a bad example, is you can return them...really dirty, tired, crabby...love that part...anyway those play areas at McDonalds, kind of gross, if you know what I mean. The kids have to take off their shoes, then they crawl and climb and slide with dirty hands and diapers and snotty noses. I think they are the ultimate pandemic breeding ground. You know these FDA experts who can't seem to find the source of the latest salmonella outbreak...HELLO! McDonald's play area....
Anyway, Leah loves it and that's all that matters to this grandparent equivalent. We were there for a really long time, all the other kids had come and gone, there is even a sign that sets a 30 minute limit as if you actually just brought the whole family to McDonald's play area for the day...I mean you could, they've got the breakfast, lunch, dinner, late night and snacks menu....Finally we said Leah it's time to go and our little angel proceeded to run, well crawl at a running pace into the center of the mass labyrinth of colored tubes....and she sat there, wouldn't move.....
C'mon Leah, we have to go...nothing.....we'll get ice cream...nothing.....we'll never be able to come back here....nothing.....Leah you have to come out, everyone is looking at you...nothing.....Gramps and I need to get home and drink wine...nothing...Leah this is the last time we are going to say this, it is time to go and you must come out..please....nothing....Leah, you are being a very bad girl...nothing.....
Between the negotiations, threats cajoling, Joe and I are starting to panic a bit saying what the hell are we going to do, she'd never done anything like this before, and she was really far inside the tunnel....finally I'd had enough and like the super hero I am, I took off my shoes and climbed into the freaking tunnel. Now picture it, I'm wearing one of those darling summer maxi dresses and I'm multiple decades older than 4 and 3/4....but I continued, trying not to breath the pandemic air, trying not to imagine the germs attacking this hypochondriac with bare arms and feet, trying not to picture the salmonella gagging me, then I reached her...Leah was sitting there with her thumb in her mouth..I put my arm around her waist, she played dead now, and I pulled her dead weight through the tube, over the hanging, swaying net to the slide and down we went. Without speaking, Joe put her shoes on, I took her hand and we marched out to the car.
The silence was deafening, all I could think of was there probably weren't cleaning products strong enough to sterilize my body and my beautiful dress.....and then Leah spoke...and in the brightest, sweetest, happiest little voice she said ICE CREAM!!!!!
Well, here it was our first time being the mean guys and we said in perfect harmony...NO WAY!, you were very very bad, you aren't getting ice cream, you had your chance to come out of the tube and get ice cream but you chose to sit in there, so no ice cream.
She isn't a cryer or a whiner, which I really like. All she said was I wanted to play...yep we get it...but play time was over. I guess that's what you learn when you are a grownup...playtime always ends whether you want it to or not. Isn't that kind of sad, that playtime is over...
Anyway we dropped her filthy little pandemic infected body off with her mom and we were driving home..to have wine..and a nap, and I said, you know I really really wanted ice cream and I was a really good girl...Joe pulled up to an ice cream shop and got me a large with sprinkles....
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